May 13, 2008
i would rather listen to something in a different tongue than hear your understandable jargon
i don't know anything
i'm lost
and realising it
is making it worse
a language i have yet to learn
up is down, sideways and upside-down
and i
already lost
my love
on such a stupid bet
it's meaningful, magical
i swear
not what you would think
i'm not bitter,
sad at times
unsure
still hateful now and then
not at the situation though
but that's not what i meant
just side-tracked
i think
i know
and then it fails me
i'm scared
to death?
what if
everything i thought i knew
is now null
void
i feel different
just spinning in circles
in never stops
this time i know where i am
lost is a place
love is a place
i hope i do not visit
again
in the near future
it used to be my life
now its a fear
i can't lose myself again
retrogressions
you like me when i'm not waiting for you
but i like you
most
all the time
i can't complete a thought
without a question of structure and placement
this goes there
what goes where
right from the start i was stabbed
in the heart
didn't
know i wasn't breathing
didn't
know i had been bleeding
open my door
thought i was alone but
someone was hiding
in the dark room
in my home
you have to read the syntax
the structure
otherwise
you won't get it
you can't get it.
up is down,
sideways and
upside-down
Posted at 07:01 pm by crimsonrain
May 8, 2008
i just do not belong here
i belong in the club scene
crazy lesbians
what a fantasy world
all im interested in is clubbing, going to the gym, eating fibrous foods, speaking different languages constantly in mind, driving, no im not a stalker
school sure
forgot about that
gotta get into it
gotta make myself fit
rough
just to add on here
its still hard. and driving to the same place every night doesnt help.
its a circle and when it ends its sad. i don't want it to end.
cette fille....elle est belle. et je la veux. beaucoup.
oh,..beauuuuucoup. mais je ne sais pas.
j'ai un garcon sur ma tete. je pense a lui. trop.
je voudrais baissez cette fille. je voudrais coucher avec cette fille. zut.
ich habe viel Hunger
im quite sure this was meant to be more.
its always supposed to be more
methaphors and illusions and deep meanings and all that.
oh well.
Bon nuit/Guten Abend/c'est tout.
Posted at 12:54 am by crimsonrain
Apr 20, 2008
i like to unwind, and i do every time
take the right pills
one. two. water. swallow.
in. on.
this is my safe haven
weirdest night ever
turned into weirdest life ever
train of thoughts whistling away gone off the rail
i cought it. im catching up.
the hardest thing is finding the right music
i got caught in a bad tune and i had to escape to something more safe
so fragile
wrong, wrong, right.
not always in that order.
i wandered the streets back and forth.
i was passed by crowds, unknowing, gawking, laughing
a few times joe was there way behind me in the shadow
i gathered myself and escaped the illusions
to a friendly passerby who was more than friendly
how do i get out, i know this isn't the safe place anymore how do i get back
he left after a struggle. alles gut.
escape to the porch, another usually safe haven
drunken passerbys speaking drunk politics
its hard to get out of that
time for bed. crawled through the apartment like a dying bird
yawn. throwing up again. always in that order. i should learn from now on.
i couldn't let the phone go. things left unsaid. i don't know what. but things left unsaid and breaking my peace and direction.
so fragile
too much drama again.
i still feel like i have something to do
at 3a what could i possibly have to do
i always forget theres another tomorrow
i can't make up my mind.
either way, i can't end this on a bad note.
but i can't find a good note so its becoming more and more seemingly impossible
so i go back to the place where i got stuck. maybe theres a better way to get out that i overlooked last time.
how strange it is indeed that a simple song could bring back such vast remote terrible memories
i have to say, i miss you. i have no idea why. i dont want to be with you. i dont want to talk to you, if i really think about it. im tired of thinking about it at all. you're different, you're not the memories i fall upon consistantly
i know i know i know
everything is stuck in this intensely high state
of confusion and fragility
when everything gets cloudy and thoughts arent the same anymore and its cogniscent
im sitting here lonely, alone. but who would resolve this situation, i have no idea, not even in my wildest dreams.
the train has now reached its obvious destination once again
the past, the ones that have past.
rest in peace.
sometimes i forget theres nothing i can do but live however i manage to do so
don't move your heavy head
so many visitors and passersby
make up your mind
make it simple
i don't know what to do.
Posted at 02:51 am by crimsonrain
Apr 15, 2008
fuck all you hypocrites and this psychological bullshit
so its like you are born into this dream and you go through it and do what you need to do and "life" happens and then you die..but you just drift out of your dream into real life and that's how it happens over and over
i'm envious of the people who escaped from this hellhole
rip 13.6.05
25.12.05
i shouldn't say that.
mourning
mourning
morning
goodnight.
Posted at 11:09 pm by crimsonrain
Nov 21, 2007
so on monday i learned that every [man] is human.
also. i love my life.
not in an overly exciting i am constantly being over-stimulated and overfilled with joy and intimacy and drunken chuckles kind of way. but a...i love my life no matter what happens because i am amazing kind of way. sort of.
Posted at 07:53 pm by crimsonrain
Oct 6, 2007
if i have learned anything
it would be that you can't trust anyone except yourself
that no one lives up to your expectations, so don't expect anything of anyone
that most things said are not meant whole-heartedly
that love, in most terms, doesn't mean anything except an abundance of unnecessary emotions that make you look like a fool
that nost times when you think you know someone, you really have no idea who they truly are
that nothing is concrete, permanent, or completely true.
i just need to really understand this.
Posted at 06:20 pm by crimsonrain
Sep 26, 2007
richtig.
i need someone on nights like these
a constant
kommst ims bett
no idea
i wish i had the person.
Posted at 11:50 pm by crimsonrain
Sep 23, 2007
i hate my life and the stupid decisions that i make.
why the fuck am i not at vermont.
also, i think i might actually be able to let go for real this time.
i have dreams. in my sleep. and sometimes while i'm awake.
Posted at 08:45 pm by crimsonrain
Sep 9, 2007
http://www.wickedtalent.com
Posted at 03:28 am by crimsonrain
Sep 6, 2007
i need a diamond encrusted crop whip.
soyez mon pere de sucre?
s'il vous plait?
also black strappy ballet shoes.
also a black tutu.
also a black leather waist cincher.
also a corset. pink maybe. or red. or black.
SERIOUSLY.
Posted at 09:10 pm by crimsonrain
